Double Hamster on The Rocks

According to the Herald, Boston was the fifth destination for the aliens. An interstellar, alternate-stubble research team was sent to investigate cow shaving in Chicago after finding out that people in Philadelphia had not advanced as much as the rest of the country and were, in fact, still yanking their own facial hair out directly while grunting and screaming in pain, bashing around at the sink and toilet. A subsequent cow shaving incident ended with the loss of one ship and almost four square miles of the city. In typical alien fashion, Gillette decided to blame this on the cow, who was found six days later, running through the downtown Chicago, covered in Band-Aids and one badly placed toupee.

Rents were too high in New York and the locals in LA wouldn’t touch a safety razor until they could figure out how to set lines on a mirror with it and that pretty much left Boston, where the locals might notice the aliens but would not in a million years say anything about it. For their part, the aliens were careful to avoid black woolens lest they be mistaken for residents.

I’m mentioning this because I’ve just obtained a photo of the secretive Gillette headquarters, which can only be viewed from a particular angle on Commonwealth ave. There are reports that this is a single blade ship and that a mothership with four additional blades rotates somewhere above the Earth. The Boston ship leaves every so often, disappearing in a blast of icy cool foam at two in the morning only to return at five. I’ve also heard that the last return flight was rocky. They are waiting on a new shipment of double A batteries to power the vibrating booster rocket before they try again.

Is this the party responsible for Mach 5 blades? I thought the new razor looked rather outlandish...

These razors are complex but they relay "stubble quality" indices to mothership when used. Turns out that people with the best stubble will face the greatest risk when the aliens finally decide to leave this planet for other, even hairier star systems