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February 17, 2006
St. Peter and the MLA
When does persona replace personality? If I’m sitting in a bar, for example, and I decide for purposes of backstory to be an ex-roadie for an overrated dirty rocker band who has recently escaped from a minimum security prison in Texas (after disguising myself as a laundry hamper using only six lunch trays and a set of plastic forks), should I give in to the temptation to pick a fight with the elderly woman at the pool table because that’s what a recently escaped roadie would do? What if I restrain myself only to find out later that the narrative aspects of my life reflected a particularly boring story and that St. Peter is actually a writer for the New York Review of Books?
It would be terrible to be denied entry through the Pearly gates because of bad grammar. I'm afraid that this might happen if heaven is run by elderly English teachers. It’s only slightly better than an afterlife run by Librarians. Who knows the Dewey decimal number affixed to their own soul? Who is not at risk during reshelving? I do love libraries though, and the couches at the Allston public library still present the best cure for a lazy afternoon. I stack a wall of Greek and Latin classics on the table next to my couch and use it to mask the back issues of Guns and Ammo that I peruse while thinking up new rules for the cross country lawnmower biathalon.
Lawnmower racing was a big hit in England several years back. There is now an association in the United States as well. In both countries, riders careen around dirt and grass courses on modified lawnmowers that lack a governor (which slows a normal riding mower down) and blades. Top speeds for modified mowers now approach 85 mph and scientists expect to see a mower that breaks the 100 mph barrier by 2008. I have yet to see lawnmower drag racing but I suspect that it takes place late at night, on cornfields far away from the prying eyes of the police.
I’d like to see The Fast and The Furious redone with lawnmowers. It could include scenes of Vin Diesel forcing the deck of his 40 CID 20HP Briggs Powered Cub Cadet into the inside corner of an illegal racing track, covering the naïve Lawn Doctor detective with mud and grass as he bucks a safety barrier and escapes into a nearby cornfield. Later, the town mayor will find his lawn trimmed—as a warning. The explosions, fights and chase scenes won’t end until Vin Diesel is recruited by a secret military unit in order to take out terrorists in China. He’s been selected for his prodigious racing talents and his spunky Gen X attitude. Military experts seek his skills because of a translation errror. They have been informed that many of the Chinese are still Mowists.
Jibber Jabberin | By jb | 06:13 AM
Comments
Actually, knowing MLA only gets you into purgatory. To enter the seventh level of paradiso, you have to have a black belt in The Chicago Manual of Style (which gives info on latest trends such as SelkWear).
Posted by: Turabian at February 17, 2006 11:59 AM
no, I'm sure heaven uses the Library of Congress system.
Posted by: linnea at February 18, 2006 11:42 AM